The Dummy's Guideline To Living With The Volturi
by LadyOfSlytherin101
Summary: I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up having the Volturi live with me. So, how does one survive the insanity and chaos they bring? Write a guidebook. (Various Volturi members included)
1. Chapter 1

If you ever find yourself playing host to the Volturi, which I pray you never do, then you'll need a sort guide to surviving the insanity they bring. I wasn't sure how this happened, but it did and now I'm stuck with them.


	2. Don't Smack The Vampires

1: Don't smack the vampires

When I went to bed, I was alone in my apartment. I was exhausted from a long day at work and fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow. I woke up the next morning, feeling well rested, but lay in my bed for a few minutes more, enjoying the peace. But I soon felt that I wasn't alone. I opened my eyes and was met with milky red eyes, staring intently into my own. I did what any sane person would have done and shrieked like a banshee and struck out against the face so close to mine. That turned out to be a huge mistake as I shattered every bone in my hand.

I bolted up, cradling my broken hand to my chest as my eyes streamed from pain. I startled when someone cupped my chin and started wiping my tears away. The hand was freezing cold and felt like shale, but it wasn't wholly unpleasant.

"There, there _piccolo_. It is not nice to hit, especially someone who is lost."

Lost? I looked up to see Aro, with Marcus and Caius behind him. Marcus looked bored and Caius was sneering at me like I was the dirt beneath his expensive leather shoes. Part of me wanted to believe this was all just some elaborate hoax, but the cold, the hardness of their skin and the fact that I had shattered my hand on Aro's face were good indicators that I wasn't dreaming nor was it a trick.

"I'm afraid, dear one, that you are not dreaming. My brothers and I find ourselves at a loss of how we came to be here, but since we have found ourselves here and we have nowhere else to go, we shall remain here. Oh, you have nothing to fear of us, it'd be terribly bad manners to eat our lovely hostess."

Somehow, his promise of not eating me didn't make me feel any better. How did he know I was wondering- Oh. Skin to skin contact means he's seeing my thoughts. This is _not_ going to be fun.

Aro would not stop grinning the entire time I was getting my hand fixed, giggling madly when the doctor asked how I managed to smash my hand. I could get why he was looking worried as every bone in my hand was indeed shattered and my entire hand was swollen and a nasty shade of purple and black.

"Uh... I smacked it." Well, it wasn't a complete lie.

Aro was laughing quietly if his arm shaking against my shoulder was any indication. Of course he'd find it funny. I wanted to elbow him so badly, but then that'd leave me with a shattered elbow.

"You smacked it?" The doctor repeated in disbelief.

"Yup." Well, I couldn't exactly say I smashed it on the face of a fictional character who happened to be a vampire, sparkled in the sunlight and happened to be a freaking insane leader of all vampires. Yeah, like that would go over well.

The doctor didn't look like he believed me and when Aro left the room at his request, asked me if my husband was abusing me.

I choked on the water I had been given and shook my head. "No! He's not abusing me!" Husband? Oh come on! Aro had been changed somewhere around his late 30's, early 40's, and I was still in my early 20's! Where on earth did he get the idea that Aro was my husband? The guy was a freaking whack job and the last guy I'd end up married to, or in a romantic relationship with. I knew Aro was not going to let this go.

Thankfully I was discharged and Aro was waiting for me at the front desk, a cat with the canary grin on his face.

"There you are, _Mia cara moglie_! So glad that you are doing well! Let us return home!" He wrapped an arm around my waist and all but dragged me out.

Did he just seriously call me that? Oh, someone kill me now!

Aro's insane giggles were my only answer.

 **Translations:**

Piccolo: little one

Mia cara moglie: My darling wife


	3. Vampires Love To Snoop

2: Vampires love to snoop

This applies more to Aro. When we got home, (after Aro's bout of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride while he drove us home) Aro put me on the couch and started exploring the apartment. He called exploring, I call it snooping. I got up at some point to find a book and I found Aro in my room, snooping through my drawers, specifically my underwear drawer. He didn't even look the slightest bit ashamed when I caught him, rather, he gave me a look of abject sorrow as he held up a piece of my modest and plain cotton underwear.

"Tali abiti semplici non ti adattano, cara. Dobbiamo rimediare immediatamente."

I wasn't exactly sure what he said, but I think he was insulting my choice of underwear.

"Excuse me, I didn't give you permission to snoop." I strode over and pushed him away, he no doubt allowing me to, or else I wouldn't have been able to.

"Forgive me, dear one. But such unappealing underthings! A lovely woman such as yourself deserves things that flatter your beauty, not... This." He gestured to the sweats and oversized sweathshirt of my dad's.

"You just pointed to all of me." I deadpanned. "I have no interest in lacy, frilly things that don't cover much. I have no intention of prancing around in my underwear in front of you guys or any other guy. Now would you please get out of my underwear drawer?!"

Aro gave me the look of a kicked puppy and I felt bad.

"Look, just stay out of my drawers."

Aro nodded but then blatantly stared right at my chest. "I do believe you need to get a better fitting size at the very least. These are too small for you." And he just swanned off like he hadn't just eyeballed my boobs.

Never mind! Pity feeling gone! "Aro!"

Translation-

 _Tali abiti semplici non ti adattano, cara. Dobbiamo rimediare immediatamente_ -Such simple clothes do not fit you, dear. We have to fix it immediately


	4. Vampires Have ZERO Respect For Privacy

3: Vampires Have ZERO Respect For Privacy

This is a given. I mean, what do you expect from a vampire that can read every thought you've ever had and their super hearing?

Since I shattered my hand on Aro's face and it would take a very long time to heal completely, I was having trouble with normally mundane tasks like getting dressed, showering and feeding myself. I was right handed but that was the broken hand, so trying to do things with my left proved to be a bit hard.

Which Aro seems to take as an invitation to help me dress and bathe. I firmly put my foot down on that and almost went to my friend's house to stay if not for Marcus. He quietly shooed Aro away and during the weeks that I was in my cast, he patiently helped me dress and helped me bathe, letting me take care of my intimate areas and he would wash my back and hair for me, as opposed to Aro who probably wouldn't have cared for my modesty or Caius who probably wouldn't have been gentle or patient like Marcus. Marcus actually understood how to cook and all his meals were well prepared and delicious.

Aro still seems to think it's perfectly alright to go snooping around in my room. I tried locking the door only to find it nothing more than kindling when I returned home from the library. After that, I didn't try a new door, knowing it'd meet the same fate. Marcus was kind enough to hang a pretty curtain for me, though it did little to deter Aro. More than once I'd find him in the dark of my room, simply staring at me. Kept giving me heart attacks every time. So don't bother trying to lock your doors unless you want them busted down.

He claims it's to protect me from intruders, but I think he just has that same problem that Edward had with watching people sleep. Bella was an idiot to find it flattering that Edward had been watching her sleep, it was downright creepy and terrifying, especially when said watcher is a vampire. I certainly had more self preservation than she did and even around Marcus I was wary still.

Marcus is a saint and I feel better around him than I do Aro. He has taken up vigil in my room to keep Aro out and he doesn't stare at me. So, no real privacy, but you're probably the safest person in the world if you aren't on the menu.

Caius? Well, he leaves me well enough alone. I swear though, he keeps glaring at my wallpaper in the living room, it's going to peel. I think it already has. Note to self, get wallpaper fixed.

Ugh, Aro's a-creepin' again. Where's a flamethrower when you need one?


	5. Vampires And Disney Don't Mix

4\. Disney and Vampires Don't Mix

So, I was at home for the day and felt the urge to watch Disney movies. Hey, it's perfectly acceptable for a young woman to still like Disney movies. Don't judge me! Anyways, I had settled in with the _Little Mermaid_ , when Caius decided grace me with his oh so charming self, the ball of sunshine that he is. He sat on the couch next to me and didn't speak a word. He was so quiet, that I nearly jumped out of my skin when he spoke, having forgotten he was there.

"What is this filth you are watching?" He sneered, eyeing the screen in distaste.

" _The Little Mermaid_."

"Parents let their children watch this?"

"Pretty much."

"She sold her voice..."

"Yup."

"For legs..."

"Yup."

"And ran away from her family..."

"Yup."

"All for a mortal she didn't know?"

"Pretty much!"

"... Half fish or not, mortals are stupid! She abandoned her family for a puny pathetic human she didn't even know who didn't even have the brain to figure out it was her! Why didn't she just write it out?! It is quite clear that despite her idiotic choices, she is at least educated enough to read and write!"

"Can't argue with that. But come on, it's a kid movie. Though, I never said she was smart. In her slight defense, she already wanted to be a human, seeing him just solidified it. I still think she should have gone with her original plan instead of rushing off to get legs."

"Utterly ridiculous." Caius muttered, settling back into the couch, giving the screen a dark look.

I merely smiled and continued to watch my Disney movies, Caius sticking around. It was actually pretty fun as he had a snarky commentary for just about every film we watched. He'd put the Nostalgia Critic to shame. I really need to record him during these times, he's so hilarious.

Caius isn't as bad as I thought he is. I was nodding off at some point and my head kept swaying from side to side. Caius growled softly. "Human, if you are tired, then go to bed or the very least rest your head somewhere so you cease that swaying!"

Which is Caius speak for that he cares in his own way, but is too much of a grump to admit it. Has to keep up his image after all. I did however find a new person to watch Disney movies with. Caius will totally deny this, but he looked mildly upset when Bambi was calling for his mother.

I can hear Aro humming _Shiny_ out in the living room, probably annoying Caius, if Marcus seeking refuge on my bed while I type this is any indication. Which means I probably only have a short time before Aro invades my sanctuary. Yay! ... **NOT!**

"Mina~!"

Oh goody, the hyper devil is calling. What does he want this time? I am really starting to hate my parents for calling me Mina. Aro finds no end of amusement from this, especially since Mom got my name while reading Dracula. Ain't I lucky?

"Oh, Mina~!"

Better go before he actually does come in here, or else he'll never leave!


	6. Cuddle Buddies Or How To Pick A Vampire

5\. Cuddle Buddies Or How To Pick A Vampire When Your A/C Breaks (Pouting Vampires Included)

I love the summer, I really do. But what I don't love is my A/C dying in the middle of a heatwave. I tried placing a call into my landlord, but everyone else's A/Cs in the complex died out too and the waitlist was horribly long.

So, if you find yourself in this situation, this leaves you a few options:

A. Dying of the heat

B. Stripping down to the basics and blast yourself with fans in hopes of cooling down (Chances of you sticking to whatever surface you lie on is exceptionally high)

C. Calling a repairman, though the price would steep considering the heatwave

D. Sit in a bath of ice that will either quickly melt or you give yourself hypothermia

E. Or if you're lucky (or unlucky) to have a vampire or three living with you, cuddling up to them

I wouldn't reccomend the last one unless you have no other option. If you have to resort to this option, be careful in which vamprie you pick and make absolutely sure they're ok with this.

I had already reached option B and being a poor college student, couldn't afford option C, nor did I intend to go through with option A. I doubt very much Aro would let me die of heat. Option D was also out of the question as by the time I got enough ice to fill the tub up, it'd have melted anyways. So that left me at E.

Aro was a complete no go. I had decided to wear a sports bra and shorts, which meant more skin exposed, more chances for him to read my thoughts. No thanks.

Caius was also out. I'd highly advise against cuddling with him as he avoids all contact like the plague, (unless it's the hyper devil, who is just freaking relentless) and it's like trying to cuddle with a porcupine, you just don't do it!

Marcus is the safest bet, considering he didn't do much, just sat and read. He was more than happy to oblige me while Aro pouted the entire time. Trust me, that isn't a pretty sight. I'd be reading or watching TV and whenever I'd turn my head, Aro would be right there staring at me. I was going to resist. I was strong and was so not going to give in!

...I gave in. What? Don't judge me, he was pouting! I wanted him to stop, it was creepy! Now Aro's grinning like a maniac while he has me sit in his lap. Not my idea, it was his. Trust me, that puts my throat too close to his mouth for comfort and he's being a jerk. How you ask? He's taking delight in blowing cold air across the back of my neck. He says it's to help cool me down, but I know he's doing it to freak me out. If that rumbling at my back is any indication, he knows exactly what he's doing. He'll stop after awhile and just when I start to relax, he lets out a really creepy little giggle right in my ear, scaring me to death.

His reason? He likes to hear my heart beat go wild. 'Like the thrumming of a bird's wings fluttering in a cage.'

Eventually, I managed to fall asleep. That's right, I fell asleep in Aro's arms, someone please direct me to the nearest mental hospital. The fact that I was able to do that astounds me. I wasn't able to sleep when they first arrived because Aro would sneak in. Oh, no! I've gotten used to the hyper devil! Send help!


End file.
